bizarro world

Here's part of an email I received today:

Hi Wendy,

My name is ("name removed for privacy reasons") and I am a producer at TODAY - WEEKEND EDITION with the Nine Network.

This weekend will be the 20th anniversary since Seinfeld debuted and I understand you are the press contact regarding this.

I would love to chat to you about this as soon as possible.

I am not, and never have been a press contact for anything, let alone the 20th anniversary of Seinfeld (although that sounds like a pretty fun job and one that I would like). I rang the producer back and explained this to her. Apparently my contacts appear on some events list that the media has access to saying that I am officially connected to the 20th anniversary of Seinfeld in some way. What a little bit of blogging leads to! I offered to send her my blog address. I think she was hoping for press releases.

It was a bizarro moment in an otherwise very ordinary day. For a moment there, I was almost important.

What am I going to make sarcastic remarks to strangers?

The Chinese Restaurant is an absolute classic of Seinfeld's early seasons along with the carpark episode which we will get to in a little bit. I just adore the idea of an entire episode devoted to waiting. According to the background Inside Look on the DVD NBC were far less enamoured and held the episode back, broadcasting it out of sequence because they saw little value in it. Now I'm sure they're happy to claim as groundbreaking TV comedy. Because at first glance it does seem plotless, time passes, nothing happens, but at the same time there is so much going on. Let's see shall we?

Standup start: Again no tie for Jerry. This is a much better look and doesn't date the episodes quite as badly as those big wide ties. He's chatting about public phones which will become significant as the episode progresses.

The set is a Chinese restaurant. The three enter - George, Elaine and Jerry. Kramer doesn't appear in this episode. (Apparently Michael Richards was a little precious about this). They are chatting variously about crime and cleanliness in the city. George wants to see more garbagemen on the streets because we'll never stop crime, we might as well be clean. George, I couldn't agree more. Jerry's solution is a new job - cop combined with garbageman. They can sweep the beat. (my words, not Jerry's actually).

George is dating a certain Tatiana who never appears. They approach the maitre'd asking for a table for four. It's going to be "5- 10 minutes". Already Elaine doesn't want to wait. She's starving. George wanders off to call Tatiana, waiting at the public phone in the foyer to see if she's joining them. George's initial timidity at the phone is delightful. He is attempting to be polite but the caller simply ignores him.

The only driving force in the narrative is that they need to eat before going to see Plan 9 from Outer Space - the worst movie ever made. I actually can't believe how packed the dialogue is here. The conversations between the three jump around from the health biscuits Elaine refused to eat in Jerry's apartment, Jerry's refusal to check the menu before sitting at the table, the etiquette of public phones and people appearing to butt in, in the wait for a table.

Jerry and Elaine keep checking on their table as groups seem to arrive after them but get seated before them. The maitre-d has it covered: "they were here before". Elaine is getting cranky, as is George at the phone. He's now ready for a fight and looking for Jerry to be his backup. Jerry dryly refutes this ridiculous idea: "yeah I'm going to get into a rumble". Is this an obscure West Side Story reference?

Jerry thinks he sees someone he knows sitting in the restaurant. Elaine is complaining and starving. Jerry offers her 50 bucks if she walks in takes some food off someone's plate and eats it while standing there. She's so hungry she considers the deal. And she goes over to the table. She pikes out.

The phone's free...George races over but is beaten to the phone by a woman.
George: "I was here first"
Woman: "If you were here first you'd be holding the phone".

By now George is steaming, with bottled up rage. His little rant that follows is wonderful: "You know we're living in a society. We're supposed to act in a civilised way". This is announced at close to top note, through gritted teeth to everyone in the foyer.

Elaine goes off to check out the food, leaving George and Jerry to chat about George's Tatiana problems. Here I think we see Larry David's obsession with bathrooms again (as in the previous episode with the best public toilet in the city conversation). The problem is the bathroom in Tatiana's apartment. It's small with no "buffer zone". Many more cute euphemisms follow. George's "intestinal requirements" prevailed over his making out with Tatiana. And the bathroom was "insufficient" for his needs so he had to make an escape with no good excuse, thus offending Tatiana.

Nice line: The only excuse she might possibly have accepted is if I told her I am in reality Batman and I'm very sorry I just saw the Bat signal".

Elaine returns. "I hate this place".
The phone is free. George is off again vainly trying to make contact with Tatiana.

Jerry tries again to check on their table status with the maitre'd, but is interrupted by a regular customer,who after a good old joke and laugh, gets a table right away. The illogical seating policy is causing the ultimate frustration for Elaine. And alas, George has missed Tatiana and had to leave a message.

Jerry runs into a woman whose name he can't remember as she leaves the restaurant. They have an awkward conversation...the type you have when you can't remember someone's name. We've all done it. Elaine gets the name out of her by introducing herself. It's Lorraine who works in Jerry's uncle's office. This is the uncle he staved off seeing this evening by faking a stomach ache. Because with his priorities in order, he had to see the worst movie ever made.

They decide to try a bribe to get a table. George isn't keen. Elaine attempts to do the deed but stuffs it up totally. The maitre'd ends up with the money but still the next table is not "Seinfeld - 4".

So, Jerry tries to get the bribe back from the maitre-d and ends up discussing his past relationship with Elaine. Still, it's going to be '5-10 minutes'.
Elaine's desperation for food is getting the better of her..."Let's go to Skyburger and scarf it down". George isn't leaving. He's waiting for his call back from Tatiana. In the background we hear the maitre'd calling out "Cartwright". George discovers that the call came and the maitre'd yelled "Cartwright"
Jerry is confused: "You're not Cartwright". Rage follows.

The evening is unravelling. Elaine is off to Skyburger, George is off chasing Tatiana, and Jerry gives up on the movie: "I can't go to a bad movie by myself...What am I going to make sarcastic remarks to strangers?"

And as the door shuts behind them the call comes loud and clear from the maitre'd: "Seinfeld - 4?"

So this is an episode of Seinfeld that has all the hallmarks of its classic status (excepting perhaps the physical comedy of Michael Richards). It shows us the obsession with what Elaine names in a much later episode "the excruciating minutiae of everyday life". The test of its success is that the writing of the episode allows it to absolutely zip by. This is not boring, waiting around in real time. (Even though in another sense it is). Rather, it shows us that the everyday is chock full of vitally important, individual moments, conflicts, conversations, opinions and attitudes. It is this that produces richness in our lives. And as we watch this time pass on Seinfeld we can be reminded of the richness of the dailiness of our own everyday lives. Enjoy the waiting, revel in the moments of apparent boredom. For there is always something there, happening, bubbling underneath the surface, that may in fact lead us somewhere interesting. Or not. That's life...and I think that is what this episode of Seinfeld manages to capture and preserve as comedy. And when you come to think about it, that makes our own lives seem a little bit funny as well. And for me, if I can't find some comedy in the everyday, then life becomes a lot less interesting.

"Pipe down chorus boy": Seinfeld Series 2: The Jacket

I've been rather slack on the Pretzels and Puffy shirts over the past few weeks but here we return with a classic "The Jacket" from Series 2.

Once again the stand up...this time Jerry's dislike of clothes, shopping, wearing them blah blah blah, setting up the storyline centred on his new and very expensive jacket. Thankfully wardrobe has dispensed with the hideous ties that were such a feature of earlier episodes, now just sportjacket with button up shirt.

Jerry and Elaine shopping for his new jacket. Elaine is holding a book...apparently written by her father, a highly regarded but not very famous author. This is a new background for Elaine which sadly is never followed up again (apparently due to the scariness of the actor playing her father during shooting).

Elaine needs Jerry and George to come to dinner with her father. Jerry isn't keen. The reason: it's too difficult to make conversation with intelligent people: "Frankly I prefer the company of nitwits". Does he have a point here?

Suddenly he alights on a suede jacket which is perfection....except for...disaster (and this will be important later so pay attention)...the candy stripe pink lining. And it's enormously expensive. A major decision....he gets it.

Nice scene back at the apartment with Jerry wearing the jacket over his pyjamas. Kramer (also in jammies) enters to admire the jacket...again noticing the pink lining (everyone still paying attention?). Kramer is desperate to know how much the jacket cost. Jerry refuses to tell him. But Kramer still manages to spy the price tag. He's schocked. And then in typical Kramer style he scams Jerry's old leather jacket. He's doing Jerry a big favour clearly, by taking it off his hands.

Next scene, and I love that George enters singing Les Mis's Master of the House. A whole conversation ensues about getting songs stuck in your head. Schumann went mad from that Jerry tells us. I'm not sure if this is right. Well I know that Schumann was institutionalised, but I'm not sure it was from a repeition of the note A)* but it plays nicely with George's already very visible insecurities.

They're off to dinner with Alton Benes and Elaine. This is George's first viewing of the Jacket. He's impressed. "This jacket has completely changed my life". Jerry is confidence epitomised in the jacket. George's verdict is "It's fabulous". And like Kramer he's desperate to know the price. In the face of Jerry's stoic silence George escalates into a nice blend of fury and indignation, imagining the ridiculously high price Jerry may have paid. This is interrupted, thankfully by Kramer, looking for someone to "do him a solid"...a term I am unfamiliar with, but it seems to be he needs someone to do him a favour. The favour is picking up some doves from his magician friend and he needs someone to sit in the car while he runs in and gets them. Only Kramer would have a friend who is a magician.

George and Jerry arrive at the hotel where they are meeting Elaine and her father. Typical hotel foyer...and then they spy Mr Benes reading a paper. Elaine, significantly, is not yet there. They sit. The conversation is terrifically awkward and goes from bad to worse, especially seeing as Elaine fails to arrive in good time. They talk about nothing...clearly perfect for the show about nothing. Mr Benes is not impressed. They chat about the weather, the drinks arrive, salvation for George and Jerry. And then suddenly a right turn and they're chatting about the Korean war, George and Jerry scull their drinks, discreetly looking for Elaine. Jerry fakes an exit to the bathroom, leaving George stranded. He tries his best, complimenting Mr Benes' writing. Oooh, George, subtly has to run away and make a fake phone call.

He and Jerry are now hiding out in the bathroom. They want to leave, but Jerry can't. He'll feel bad for Elaine. What excuse could they give? George has the perfect answer, "We'll say we're frightened and we have to go home". Refreshing honesty and perhaps one of my all time favourite lines and scenes. There should be more of it.

Some more standup...this time on fathers and how intimidating they are.

Back to the foyer with George and Jerry reinstalled on the couch. Elaine has sent a message. She's running late. Geez could it be anything to do with Kramer's solid? Surely not.

George's imitation of Alton is note perfect when Elaine arrives. "Where's Dad?" "He's in the bathroom" says gravelly voiced George. She's been stuck with the doves. Long monologue ensues here about Kramer and the doves from Elaine which, if I'm being really honest is a bit over the top.

George is still singing as they leave. He's neatly reprimanded by the scary Alton: "Pipe down chorus boy!"
And it's snowing. Suddenly, Jerry's beautiful and expensive suede jacket is in jeopardy. Turning it inside out is the solution, but he is thwarted by Mr Benes' objection to the candy stripes. What will Jerry do?

Back at the apartment, and Kramer comes in looking for mini ritzes to feed to the doves. The jacket is ruined from the snow. Kramer is amused "Don't you know what that does to suede?". Elaine arrives and now Kramer has his eye on the ruined jacket. "If you're just going to throw it out, I can take it". Elaine is horrified at the state of the jacket, "You should have turned it inside out". Huh!

And in a lovely final scene we watch Alton driving home singing Master of the House. Perhaps George and Jerry get their revenge after all.

* There is mention of Schumann's obession with A on wikipedia. But they attribute his symptoms and eventual decline to mercury poisoning (mercury being used as a medication for syphilis).

Seinfeld Series 2 Episode 4: "Why can't I meet a Kennedy?"

The Baby Shower
Standup: Some stereotyping from Jerry on how men and women use the remote control. This returns in a later episode( 'men hunt and women nest") when Jerry gets heckled during a gig.

Anyway, this episode written by Larry Charles includes more of the darker overtones of some of these early episodes
In the diner with Jerry, George and Elaine. George's disastrous date with a performance artist a few years ago is the topic of discussion. The date with Leslie was a set up from Elaine. It wasn't a success.
Jerry is remembering: "And she's on stage cooking dinner for some celebrity'
George: "God, she's cooking dinner for God".
What most peeves George is that his shirt was ruined when she Leslie threw chocolate on it, supposedly as part of the performance. Significant.

George has a few nice lines here regarding his ruined shirt: "I still have it, the collar's okay, I wear it under sweaters"...and his grudge against the performance artist is clearly on show: "Let Maria Shriver give her a baby shower". Cute, how this is still topical after so many years, not always the case with TV pop culture references.

For Leslie has asked Elaine to throw her a baby shower. The story is that Elaine needs Jerry's apartment for the shower because her roomate has lyme disease.
George (still wallowing in his rejection from Leslie) ; Some day before I die, I'm going to tell that woman what I think of her. I'll never be able to forgive myself until I do"
Jerry: And if you do?
George: Well I still won't be able to forgive myself, but at least it won't be about this"

The apartment: Kramer is berating Jerry for his bad TV reception, encouraging him to get illegal cable. Kramer is most disparaging, berating and shouting at Jerry for his principles which are denying him a wonderful world of television viewing.
Jerry: What you're suggesting is illegal
Kramer:It's not illegal
Jerry: It's against the law
Kramer: well yeah...

Kramer has a Russian emigrant ready and waiting in his own apartment to hook up the cable. His final, wildly convincing argument is "It's the 90s ...it's Hammer time!". Yes indeed, the 90s were hammer time with those big baggy pants. Kramer does a cute little hammer dance as he exits to get the Russians.
Jerry is finally convinced. Tomorrow the cable is going to be installed. Surely, no problems here. But what about the baby shower?

The apartment: Jerry returns from out of town. The FBI are waiting for him. And here is the best scene in the episode where we transition to fantasy as Jerry tries to run away from the agents who have hunted him down for his illegal cable and they shoot him in a hail of gunfire. Suddenly it's a scene from Die Hard. As the bullets cease, Kramer runs across the apartment to cradle the dying Jerry in his arms. "Cable boy, cable boy, what have you done to my little cable boy". Jerry wakes from his nightmare on the plane flying to his gig out of town. They're turning the plane around due to a blizzard.

In the car: George is giving Jerry a lift home from the airport. Notice the red shirt under the sweater everyone. Jerry is on to the ulterior motive pretty quickly. Jerry suggests going back to George's, George wants to drop off jerry's bag at his place first, where Elaine is having the shower.
Jerry: Red shirt, red shirt!
George: It's payback time!

The apartment: In a complete turnaround, Elaine is fawning over Leslie and her connection to the Kennedys. And then disaster, Kramer arrives with his Russian cable guys.
Elaine: Who is this guy
Kramer: oh, they're Soviet cable guys....

Like it's the most natural thing in the world to bring some Russians into a party to hook up some illegal cable.

In the car: Jerry and George are rehearsaing George's payback speech. By the end of it George is wild with rage and vitriol and ready for a fight.

Back upstairs: Kramer has installed himself in the party and his chatting up one of the guests: 'I eat the whole apple, core, stem, seeds...ever eat the bark off of a pineapple?"

The cable guys are causing a mild ruckus in the midst of the party. George is psyching himself up for his big moment. Elaine tells him off. He feigns innocence. The red shirt is revealed, chocolate stains galore. And then George approaches Leslie and dissolves into a meek and mild suck up. Meanwhile Jerry is stood up in front of everyone by an old date in a lovely display of public vengeance. Everyone is either bemused or amused. And George ends up with more mess on his shirt when Leslie accidently drops her cake on him.

By now, Jerry has decided against the illegal cable. that's going to cost him 400 dollars to get it uninstalled.
The shower has been a failure. George leaves, following Leslie,now carrying all her baby shower presents.

The apartment: The Soviets have broken the TV because Jerry refused to pay. Elaine is despondent; "Why can't I meet a Kennedy?". The mention of JFKjunior dates the episode rather here. It's been a bad night all round for everyone except Kramer.

He's going to watch Dr Zhivago on cable and make popcorn.

"It's been a week, it's up to the cat now": Seinfeld Series 2, Episode 3

The Busboy is another of my early Seinfeld favourites, giving us the opportunity to see Julia Louis-Dreyfus's capacity for physical comedy, and the developing the awkward relationship between Kramer and George.


Food is one of the recurring themes in this episode, with Jerry's first stand up deriding contemporary culture's obsession with food and foodie culture.


Nice too, is the opening scene with Jerry, George and Elaine eating out at the restaurant. George is lamenting his poor choice of pesto, "why do I get pesto?", "where was pesto 10 years ago?" - yes, good question George. I have always found pesto an unsatisfactory meal. Here the Elaine storyline for the episode is also introduced. She's borrowing Jerry's car to pick up her new flame, Ed from Seattle, at the airport.

Jerry: Everyone's moving to Seattle

George: It's the pesto of cities.


Anyway, after learning that Ed is coming to visit Elaine for a week, we witness the real turning point for the episode, when George (somewhat uncharacteristically I think) bravely puts out a fire at the next table, caused when the busboy puts the menu too close to the candle. A sequence of events quickly follows, the busboy is fired, George freaks out because the restaurant manager tells the busboy that George is the one who alerted the manager, and put out the fire, and Jerry reassures George in his inimitable fashion, "He'll probably kill his family over this...lots of excons become busboys".


Back in the apartment George is still hassling over his possible role in the busboy losing his job. Elaine arrives to get the car keys, also bearing the busboy's address. George is now a man on a mission, off to the busboy's apartment to apologise. Jerry thinks it's a bad idea, especially for George to go alone.

Jerry: "Take the K man"
Kramer: (entering in a timely fashion for this suggestion) "Take me where..where??" - in the manner of an excitable five year old, or a puppy that sees its owner get the lead out and realises it's walk time.

So the odd couple of George and Kramer set out for the busboy's apartment. Upon arrival, George nicely asks Kramer to refrain from speaking when they get inside. It's hard to take George seriously here, as he's wearing a cute bobbly beannie. He timidly knocks on the door. Kramer pushes by with a great big confident knock and the busboy appears.


The actor playing the busboy Antonio (and if you're really interested you can look who this is up on wikipedia yourself) does a great job as a silent, threatening presence. George turns to jelly and gives a wussy apology. Kramer makes himself at home, asking if there's anything to drink. And then, the worst moment of all...someone left the door open and the busboy's cat "Perchita" (I'm guessing the spelling here) has disappeared. Now Antonio explodes in anger and rage and George and Kramer are looking in vain for the cat.


Sometime later, the cat has not reappeared, Antonio, George and Kramer are sitting round the kitchen table in some more awkward silence. Kramer gets up to leave, trips over the cord of the lamp and breaks it. He carefully repairs the broken lamp base and he and George make their escape, with George in a characteristic ineffective gesture leaves his business card with Antonio.

Back at Jerry's apartment, he's chatting to George onthe phone as Kramer arrives. On his way through the door he buzzes up Elaine from downstairs.
Jerry: George wants to know when you're going to look for the cat again.
Kramer (typically unconcerned): It's been a week, it's up to the cat now.
Elaine arrives frantic, and desperate to get Jerry's car keys and send Ed packing back to Seattle in the morning. It has not been a successful week. An ensuing discussion about alarm clocks, and the best route to take the airport sets up the following scene, where Elaine and Ed oversleep and Louis-Dreyfus does a crazy comic turn to get Ed up, dressed and out of the apartment. She leaves still in her nightgown, throwing a giant red parka over the top.

Return to Jerry's, where Jerry is testing George on his boast that "Anywhere in the city, I'll tell you the best public toilet". This fascinating discussion is interrupted by Elaine, dejected and drained with a tale of woe after failing to beat the traffic and get Ed on the plane. Then the mood quickly turns to one of glee and excitement:

Kramer: The busboy's comin', The busboy's comin'

George is terrified, imagining Antonio coming for revenge for the loss of his job and his cat.
As Antonio enters in his usual swaggering, threatening manner as George futilely backs away into the corner of Jerry's kitchen. But Antonion arrives bearing good news. The night after he was fired there was an explosion in the restaurant. George getting him fired has saved his life. He has now found a new job and best of all, the cat has returned.
Awkward hugs all round.
But of course, there can be no happy ending.
As the busboy leaves we hear him meet Ed in the hallway. The following confrontation and fight leads us to a final scene in the diner.

George can't stay, he has to go and feed Perchita until the busboy gets out of hospital.
Elaine has to go and feed Ed who is still staying with her until he can get back to Seattle.
Jerry, unaffected by both of their plights, remains enjoying his dinner.

And in a cute final touch, the diner's busboy comes over to clear the table.

Who figures an immigrant's going to have a pony?: Seinfeld Series 2: Episode 2

The Pony Remark is one of my very early favourites. Mind you I'm not terribly discriminating when it comes to Seinfeld favourites. There are favourite aspects of nearly every episode, but this one is an early treat.

The first thing to like is that after Jerry's opening standup the first scene is devoted to his parents Helen and Morty. Staying at Jerry's they have flown up from Florida for a 50th anniversary dinner for distant relations. Two great old married couple arguments ensue - one over Morty's checked sports jacket which is particularly lairy, and another over who will answer the phone when it rings. When does conversation turn into argument? I get the sense here that the scriptwriters are saying that this is what marriage turns into after so many years. Life is filled with minor disagreements that don't have any long term meaning. In a way this is a comforting thought, but also fits into the regular Seinfeld theme of exposing the difficulties and problems inherent in long term commitment.

Jerry arrives thrilled that his baseball team has made the final for the following Wednesday. It is, he says, the greatest moment of his life. And then in a clever piece of foreshadowing we learn that Morty's greatest moment was when he went to work for Harry Fleming and came up with the idea for the beltless trenchcoat. Stay tuned for a future episode involving Kramer, Morty and beltless trenchcoats that is also a joy.

Jerry's parents try to convince him to come to the anniversary party, bringing Elaine along. His objection is that Uncle Leo will be there, grabbing his arm and tellling him all about cousin Jeffrey who "works for the parks department".

And then perhaps my favourite moment in this episode when Kramer appears with his genius plan to remodel his entire apartment as "levels", getting rid of all his furniture and replacing it with carpetting and pillows, "just like in Ancient Egypt". Jerry is skeptical: "I know that you can't and I'm positive that you won't". They agree on the bet of big dinner if it doesn't happen. Kramer is supremely confident.

The pivotal scene of the anniversary dinner is delightfully staged. Jerry and Elaine are in attendance. Jerry has landed a seat next to Uncle Leo who regales him with tales of Jeffrey's tours of the park; "edible foliage tours". Jerry listens dutifully, while Elaine seated at the add-on "kids table" desperately attempts to join in the conversation: "These peas are bursting with country fresh flavour", "phe-nom-en-al peas". It's all very awkward and becomes more so as the conversation turns to horses. Jerry sees an opportunity to join in, "they're like big riding dogs" and ponies "what kind of abnormal animal is that?". It just gets worse as Jerry and Elaine riff off each other on the ridiculousness of ponies, culminating with Jerry observing that hates anyone who ever had their own pony. Supremely embarrassing moment follows when Manya (she of the anniversary dinner) tells them off. She had a pony when she was a little girl in Poland, and then she promptly huffs off out of the room.

Jerry then, tries to makes amends with some beautiful lines: "Who figures an immigrant's going to have a pony?"; "Who leaves a country packed with ponies to come to a non-pony country?"

It sort of puts a dampener on the party atmosphere.

Next morning at the apartment Jerry is farewelling his parents when Kramer enters. The levels are off. "I decided I'm not going to do it." Jerry wants to know when he's going to get his big dinner. Kramer's logic is stunning: "There's no bet...I'm not doing it."

As the parents leave, Jerry gets a phone call. Manya has died. He hollers to his parents down on the street and they return, now staying for the funeral. Morty is particularly concerned about losing money on his cancelled flights, while Helen despairs once again over the sports jacket, which is particularly inappropriate for a funeral. Together they muse over what caused the death: "the pony remark". Jerry is then in a dilemma, as the funeral clashes with his baseball final. "Who has a funeral on a Wednesday?"

Some stand up on death.

In the diner with Elaine and George. This is a strangely late appearance in the episode for George. While Elaine and Jerry debate the pros and cons of him going to the funeral or his baseball game, George remains completely self-absorbed. He can't envisage any situation where he will ever have sex again. This is totally ignored by the other two as they consider the meaning of life and wasting time. Elaine is concerned, "Can't you have coffee with people?". She is interested to hear that Manya's apartment will be available as Isaac is moving to Phoenix. Three hundred dollars a month.

At the funeral the pony is a big talking point in the eulogy as Jerry shrinks into his seat. "She even had a pony. Oh, how she loved that pony...It was the pride of Krakow."

And the wake is nicely constructed too, with Morty badgering his intern nephew for a doctor's note to take the airline, while Elaine and Jerry engage in an very unsubtle interrogation of Isaac to find out what's happening to the apartment. Jeffrey's taking the apartment. The only good news for Jerry is when it starts to rain. His game will have been postponed and he will get to play.

Finally in the diner, post-game, Jerry is being severely paid out for the hopeless game he played. Elaine suggests it may have been karmic payback for the pony remark.

Last line pre standup: "Who figures an immigrant's going to have a pony?"

"Fruit's a gamble. I know that going in": Seinfeld Series 2: Episode 1

The Ex-Girlfriend begins once again with Jerry's stand-up, persisting it seems with the sports jacket and abominably colourful, wide tie. Topic - driving in traffic. Nice observations but not laugh out loud funny.

We move to Jerry and George chatting in the car, while waiting to pick up Elaine. The topic here is breaking up, how to do it, in person or over the phone with Jerry's helpful advice being "You should just do it like a band-aid...one motion... RIGHT OFF". George, it seems, is sick of his girlfriend Marlene. Elaine arrives with a tale to tell of the degeneration of her once-friendly relationship with a guy in her building. First it was "stop and chat" (this is a great Larry David concept that also crops up in Curb your Enthusiasm), then verbal hellos, then polite nodding, and then: "he went from nods to nothing". The scene then is set for the Elaine storyline.

In Jerry's apartment, a little introductory scene on dialling a wrong number. It has nothing to do with the rest of the episode, but it's cute nonetheless. Following this we also enjoy Kramer's obsession with fruit and his insistence that everyone who enters "taste this cantaloupe", (foreshadowing the later episode of the macana (?) peaches) proffering a piece of cantaloupe on a fork. Jerry and he disagree over whether to get fruit at Joe's or the supermarket. Kramer kindly offers Jerry the use of his shopping cart to go to Joe's, and we learn of Kramer's endearing habit of returning fruit if it's not up to his high standard. As Jerry astutely observes: "I don't return fruit. Fruit's a gamble, I know that going in". (I would dearly love to see someone try and return fruit and vegetables to Woolworths. Some of those lettuces have clearly been in cold storage for way too long. And don't get me started on the tomatoes that taste like nothing.)

George arrives excited that he has managed to break up with Marlene. Kramer, as always inappropriate, reacts with 'I like that Marlene...what's her number?". George is concerned though. He has left some of his books over at Marlene's and can't possibly go back and get them. The following exchange exemplifies Jerry's simple and stressless view of the world:

Jerry: Did you read 'em?
George: Well..yeah
Jerry: What do you need 'em for?

There's no comeback to that. So Jerry meets Marlene in the diner and she entices him into a relationship with her southern drawl.

Then, the chiropractor's waiting room, still on the subject of the books. Jerry pokes fun at George's anxiety over getting his books back, "When you read Moby Dick the second time, Ahab and the whale become good friends". And then George's cheapness is emphasised once more after he sees the chiropractor and gets the bill. Seventy five dollars for two minutes, "I'm only paying half". And he does.

Back at the apartment, Kramer is demonstrating his new golf swing to Jerry while Jerry cuts up a supermarket cantaloupe. We witness Kramer's disapproval when upon tasting he spits it straight out. Nice. Elaine arrives describing her confrontation with the hello guy. She's the "queen of confrontation". Later in the diner, Elaine's bravery inspires Jerry to tell George he is dating Marlene, who doesn't actually care. Then in some nice physical comedy George swallows a fly. The ensuing panic is a comedy treat. Jerry as usual, is unflustered.

And then one of my final favourite scenes. Jerry and Marlene are in the car when she refuses his advances. When he questions why, she tells him it's because she saw his comedy act: "It's just so much fluff. I can't be with someone if I don't respect what they do". Jerry is a little stunned: "You're a cashier".

Stand up. Then end.

"guys with cats...I don't know": Seinfeld Series 1, Episode 5

The Stock Tip is the finale (or perhaps that's too grand a term) for Series 1. Once again you can feel David and Seinfeld finding their comedy writing feet. And once again there are a number of foreshadowing topics and characterisations for future series, including George's homophobia, Jerry's Superman obsession, Kramer's crazy money-making schemes and Elaine's bad luck with pets. There's also a lot more of the "show about nothing" incidental discussions and conversations in this episode - including Jerry's argument with a drycleaner, Elaine's allergies to her boyfriend's cats, and her tale of dropping a grape on the floor. The two central storylines are George's stock tip that he convinces Jerry to buy into, and Jerry's weekend trip away with Vanessa (the girl from The Stake-Out).

After a detailed conversation between Jerry and George in the diner as to whether Superman would have a "super" sense of humour, Elaine appears in a surprising fringed jacket (clearly they hadn't decided on her "look" as yet) to discuss her boyfriend's cats. It's much more in character in the next few series where she does the jackets/brooches, skirts and shoes and socks. George, "guys with cats...I don't know" signals his suspicious attitude towards males who break his idea of the "normal". (This is nicely reinforced in the first episode of Series 2 whereupon George insists that Elaine sits between Jerry and himself in the car because: "It doesn't look good....guy, guy, girl). Here in the diner Jerry also raises his idea of taking Vanessa away for the weekend. George pooh-poohs this too: "It's a dating decathlon".

A little chit-chat between Jerry and Vanessa in the grocery store where he persuades to come on the trip to Vermont because it will be great for the relationship, like "6 months of dating in 3 days". Gee...do you really think that's a good idea Jerry?

George has convinced Jerry to buy into the stock. In the apartment Kramer takes great delight in informing Jerry that the stock has slid again. He also informs us of his latest scheme - a "roll-out tie dispenser". Details are hazy but it seems that it's something men wear and then if their tie gets food on it that can rip it off and roll out another one without going home. Hmmmm...the make your own pizza pie was better...I can see why we didn't hear of the tie dispenser in future episodes.

An incidental scene in the drycleaners (where Jerry succeeds in getting the drycleaner to admit responsibility for his shrunken shirt) and then back to the apartment where Elaine is still sneezing with her cat allergy, wondering what it would take to "hire a hitman to take out a couple of cats". (Sadly, Newman has not yet appeared to save the day as he does when in a later episode Elaine is tormented by a dog.)

Once again Kramer is gleeful that the stock is down. George has been to see the company owner at the hospital to try and find out what is happening with the stock. He gets nowhere but we get to see dejected, loser George (he who will delight us in so many future episodes).

Then the Vermont weekend in the lounge of the B and B. Needless to say things go badly...conversation between Jerry and Vanessa is stilted and boring about sneakers and perfume. Did anyone say "bad idea"?

Jerry gets out of the stock, but George hangs in and it goes up. The final scene with George cigar in hand at the diner treating Jerry and Elaine to dinner, gloating and triumphant is delightful. Elaine lost her boyfriend...it was the cats or her and he chose the cats. And when George tips the waitress and then has second thoughts and takes back one of the bills....his meanness which we grow to love is on display for all to see.

"I cannot overstate this...no soft cheeses of any kind": Seinfeld Series 1, Episode 4

Here we are with The Robbery. Jerry is certainly wearing an awfully dated black and white patterny tie for the opening monologue.

First to the apartment with Jerry packing for a trip and readying Elaine to take on the responsibility of house sitting. Best of all his instructions, rules for the refrigerator where apart from no meat and dairy, there should be "no soft cheeses of any kind". Lovely detail. George arrives for the airport run...perhaps this is the first of the "ride to the airport" minor storylines which occur throughout the series. It's also the first mention of Elaine's bad room-mate who we meet in future episodes - "the waitress-actress". And the apartment-swapping conceit emerges...George apparently has a great two bedroom that would be just right for Jerry and Elaine could move into Jerry's old apartment thereby escaping her awful room-mate. This foreshadows a later episode where Elaine tries to get an apartment in the building.

Jerry returns from his trip, wanders in to turn on the TV and discovers...no TV. Elaine emerges from the bathroom in bare feet with a huge plunger (which wonderfully is not mentioned at all) to reveal that he's been robbed "someone...left the door open". Cue Kramer who now appears to be building the timelessness (or rather the "out of timeness") of his character with the vintage style shirts. Caught up watching The Bold and the Beautiful he inadvertently left Jerry's door open. His excuse:

Kramer: "I'm human"
Jerry: "In your way".

Ha!

Some standup on the ineptitude of police procedure and the uselessness of "calling the police".

Jerry decides to consider moving. With George and Elaine he inspects the new apartment, the main attractions of which are a fireplace, walk-in closet, its proximity to the park and its courtyard where Jerry can barbeque. Needless to say, although Jerry initially decides to take it, a jealous coin toss between Jerry and George (who also likes the apartment) prevents either of them getting it. (The coin hits the table... "Interference!").

In the diner, George is wearing a white cricket style jumper which seems a little strange. (although I guess it might be a baseball sweater?). Still arguing over the apartment, the waitress overhears them and she ends up taking it. Nicely she invites them to the housewarming where they're kicking themselves for letting it go.

I'm not sure why this episode isn't called The Apartment. But it sure does introduce some of the New York specific themes - of rent, good vs bad apartments, the park - that continue to be followed through so many of the later episodes. It also has one of the very early trademark George snorts, as well as one of Kramer's sliding entrances through Jerry's doorway.

"A wedding...there's a lot of people to mock": Seinfeld Series 1, Episode 3

Episode 3 in Series 1 (The Stake-out) sees the introduction of further key characters and a few recurring jokes. Following the opening standup where Jerry wears a particularly ill-fitting suitcoat and tie, we meet Elaine and Jerry in the video shop. While incidentally discussing pornography, they strike a deal. Jerry will go with Elaine to a friend's birthday if she will go with him to a family wedding. She's won over with the encouraging proviso, "There's a lot of people to mock". That is a good reason to go to a family wedding.

The birthday party is notable mainly for the fact that Elaine has her hair up - a very unusual look for these early series, as well for her attention seeking conversation about her dream where Jerry had wooden teeth. Needless to say this ruins Jerry's moment with the woman, Vanessa, across the table.

Then a great scene in Jerry's apartment introducing his parents for the first time. His mother's character was so beautifully realised by Liz Sheridan right from this first appearance. However, this is the one scene in the whole of the nine series where his father isn't played by Barney Martin. Nevertheless, the writers clearly have an ear for writing parents, and his father's crazy scheme that Jerry should stake-out the lobby of the building where the birthday party woman works is a delight. The only other strange thing about these scene apart from the one-off Dad, is that Jerry's kitchen cupboards appear to be black.

Some more show-about-nothing dialogue between George and Jerry takes place while they loiter round the lobby on their stake-out. George's "cover" to say he is in fact an architect is introduced for the first time (to make an impression in a later episode where he takes credit for the extension to the Guggenheim while trying to charm a date). But most wonderful is the introduction of the fake name "Art Van Der Lay" - the importer/exporter. This fabulous name returns as comic gold as the program progresses. Stay tuned.

Back at the apartment Jerry plays with scrabble with his mother and they have an argument over the Kramer-inspired word "quone". And then, the following scene at Jerry's apartment we meet some of his relatives (who we never see again) including an Uncle Mac who is writing a book. The later Uncle Leo may well have been inspired by this early character. The plot loosely resolves itself as Elaine and Jerry agree that they can talk to each other about other people and Jerry does some standup on the difficulties of men and women becoming friends following a relationship.

Art van der Lay....I love it.

I'll go if I don't have to talk: Seinfeld Series 1: Episode 2

So the first "real" episode("Male-Unbonding") of Seinfeld Series 1 following the pilot....now largely recognisable as "Seinfeld" with the opening credits now playing over the opening standup and Julia Louis-Dreyfus added to the regular cast (although only one main scene in this episode).



The apartment exterior is now the well-recognised location scene of the nine series. Jerry and George's opening conversation in the lift is classic "show about nothing" dialogue. George laments how he told a girl he liked her to cover his embarrassment at diving in his pocket for something and coming out with some used dental floss. What's funny about this scene is George's wearing of a bum bag is left without comment until the final moments of the conversation. We all know it looks ridiculous, but Jerry saves the best for last observing that George appears as if his "belt is digesting a small animal".



The second scene in the apartment is classic early Seinfeld as well. Kramer is making himself right at home on Jerry's couch and chatting on his phone. It's for Jerry...his old childhood ping-pong buddy Joel who wants to get together. And here David and Seinfeld neatly introduce the central plot of the episode...how to break up with a friend you no longer have anything in common with. A familiar social dilemma which Jerry follows through with in the stand up.



Then in the diner (the real diner!) Jerry endures a boring lunch with Joel. While Joel interrogates the waitress as to their type of turkey Jerry amuses himself with outlandish conversation pieces that Joel completely misses. "I'm thinking about going to Iran...it's the annual terrorists' luncheon". Amazing how this episode from the late 90s is still topical today in so many ways. Anyway, needless to say Jerry's attempt to "break -up" with Joel fails dismally, with Joel in tears and Jerry feeling bad and then asking him to a basketball game. It's quite the scene with Jerry trotting out the "It's not you, it's me" line.



Jerry and George then appear in the bank...one of the few scenes in such a location (although the bank does feature in the later series when Jerry's Nana has to go to Chemical Bank when Jerry cashes years of her birthday cheques and they bounce). George is waiting patiently to cash in his big jar of change. Some nice exchanges here which set up George's cheapness, a character flaw which is mercilessly exploited in many future storylines.



Back in Jerry's apartment then with George rolling his own change after the bank refuse to count it for him. And joy of joys, Kramer's first crazy scheme (which recurs later in the Poppy/restaurant episodes)...an idea for a restaurant where customers make their own pizza pie. The phone rings and Jerry tells a lie to get out of going to the game with Joel...."he has to tutor his nephew".



Cut to Elaine and Jerry now in the apartment. Delightfully she mocks Jerry who is writing a list of possible excuses he can use next time Joel rings. And here again they capture the tone of Elaine as a character very neatly with her noticeable attitude to going out with Jerry to a cappucino bar

Elaine: "What are we going to do there...talk?",

Jerry: "We could talk",

Elaine: "I'll go if I don't have to talk".

And so it goes on. Lovely.



Suddenly Joel and Kramer appear at the door. Joel took Kramer to the game in Jerry's place. The list of excuses Jerry and Elaine then come up with to avoid socialising with Joel at a later date is wonderful. My personal favourite is their protestation of choir practice where they are rehearsing for a concert of "Eastern European national anthems"..."what with the wall being down and all".



Stand-up. The End.

How quickly it improved from the pilot.

"you can't over-die": Seinfeld: the pilot

So I begin with the pilot, curiously titled "The Seinfeld Chronicles" rather than just Seinfeld. This is the original version (not the revised version also included on my DVD). It's exciting watching this episode on my big screen TV too, rather than the little old boxy set.

We begin with Jerry's stand up- a bit on "going out". This always reminds of a classic line from that weak but enduring Australian sitcom Hey Dad - where Dad asks the teenagers where they are going. At the reply of "Out"... he retorts "out, out...where is this out?". Sadly, Jerry's monologue is not of much higher quality than this although he does take it a step further also musing on the need people suddenly have when they're out, to then "get back", "we've got to be getting back" etc. Hmmmm.

The opening titles are unrecognisable with a sort of silent movie feel (black with a white border, the simple presentation of names) and unfamiliar theme music as well. I'm glad they changed this later.

The exterior shot is of "Pete's Luncheonette" and inside, instead of the diner style booths, it's more of a cafe with Jerry and George in the middle of the room at a round table. It's all a bit brightly coloured and kitschy, rather than the more authentic grunge of the diner. Lee Garlington as the waitress Clare was obviously written to be a recurring character and there's some cute byplay with George as to whether the coffee she's serving is decaf. Jason Alexander and Jerry Seinfeld look so young. They do a little "bit" about the placement of the buttons on George's shirt which then flows into a conversation on the etiquette and semantics of dating, when Jerry reveals he has a girl coming into town to visit him. This is the full extent of the storyline, nothing like the interweaving plots of later episodes, and I have to say it's pretty slight.

We then follow Jerry and George to the laundromat. The highlight here is their conversation as to whether you can "overdry" clothes. This leads into a Larry David special - the repetition..."can't over-dry", can't over-wet" just like you can't "over-die". It's classic David to move from laundry to death with one swift verbal blow.

Then more stand up - this time on how the "washing machine is the night club of clothes"...it's the only time in the week they get to mingle with each other, dancing around with lots of bubbles etc. These segments aren't as snappy as in later episodes...they linger too long perhaps and this one also had a strange camera angle that I don't remember ever seeing again - from over Jerry's shoulder towards the audience.

Now to Jerry's apartment. It's the same basic layout we grew to know and love - although here, unlike the diner, it seems a little grungier, not so well put together. There's a dartboard which seems distinctly un-Jerry as well as unusual cane bar stools which look a bit tropical hotel. And there's no bookshelves or computer desk. Still, there's the kitchen, the fridge, the couch and the exit to the bedroom/ bathroom all the in the right places. However, here also is the first real shocker, with Kramer entering but he's called "Kessler". In his dressing gown, with more sensible hair, he's written to be some kind of recluse who doesn't leave the building. He does do the recognisable entry though straight to the fridge in search of some meat for his sandwich, while Jerry munches on his cereal. Nice though to hear the "You better believe it", a familiar Kramer refrain.

Next scene George and Jerry struggle into the apartment with a spare mattress, continuing their conversation about the reading of signals between men and women. George's advice to Jerry "Always, always do the opposite" gave me a little tingle, as it is the basis of an entire episode in a later series, where George does indeed do the opposite - with amazing results. How exciting to see the seeds of these ideas way back in this slightly clunky pilot episode.

More comedy... on why women need cotton balls and men don't. This was a little strained i think in terms of relevance, but the "a date is a job interview that lasts all night" was more pertinent to the episode at hand.

George and Jerry are then waiting at the airport for Jerry's friend Laura. A detailed conversation about the meanings of different greetings - eg, the kiss hello, the handshake etc is trumped when Laura arrives and does "the surprise blindfold greeting"...George shakes his head in bewilderment..."that wasn't in the manual".

And, sadly for Jerry it turns out the Laura is engaged...however he only finds this out after agreeing to take her on a five hour boat ride around Manhattan. Some final stand up in a badly fitting brown suit and that's the pilot done and dusted.

It's not exactly an auspicious beginning to a classic television series. It's more interesting to watch in retrospect looking for glimpses of the themes and motifs that would dominate Seinfeld in it's more classic episodes. Clearly here they hadn't refined it's winning formula and it's not nearly as dark as some of the later episodes, particularly those by Larry David and Larry Charles. And no Elaine yet either. But it is wonderful to watch it with the memory of the later story arc where Jerry and George are commissioned to write a pilot for NBC. The story of the fake pilot is far weaker than this real pilot, but I can't help but wonder how much the experience in making this pilot inspired the story of the fake pilot. I'm sure somewhere on the internet this information is available, but in another sense I'm also not sure I want to actually know. I mustn't be a true fan after all.

Pretzels and Puffy Shirts: The Beginning

I've been thinking for some time now that I would like to write about Seinfeld. Perhaps my all- time favourite television show I have hesitated in writing about Seinfeld as part of my research because I enjoyed it so much. So I think that blogging about it is a good compromise. I can begin a Seinfeld project, take it very seriously, but still separate my appreciation of the series from my more "academic" writing about television. Always wary of the tendency to analyse things to death, I want to avoid this eventuality because Seinfeld has provided me with over a decade of laughs and enjoyment. I would rather that this didn't stop now. So here begins an ongoing series of posts I am calling "Pretzels and Puffy Shirts". This category title honours two of my all time favourite episodes and well known lines from them. Pretzels...for the episode where Kramer scores a line in a Woody Allen film, the line being "these pretzels are making me thirsty". The puffy shirt... from the episode where Jerry ends up wearing Kramer's girlfriend's puffy shirt on breakfast television and comes out with the beautiful line of complaint,"but I don't want to be a pirate".

So this evening I sat down and watched the original pilot episode. More on that very soon.