Monday will be torture for you today

Dear Monday,

I know it's been some time since our last correspondence. Apologies. I hope you have been keeping well. Me? Why thank you for asking. I've been quite fine. I just have a tiny request. If you could manage it I'd really appreciate it if when I check my stars on my iPhone app you don't begin with "Monday will be torture for you today". I'm sure you can understand what I'm getting at. It really doesn't set one up with the most positive frame of mind towards seizing the day. Your reputation would really be enhanced if avoided describing yourself as "torture" and instead worked towards a happier, rainbow-filled, bouquet of flowers kind of image.

As always, just a few thoughts for you to ponder once you have finished with today before next week.

Sincerely
Wendy

Well hello Friday

Well hello Friday! Thanks for this awesome headache you have seen fit to bestow upon me. It's really proved helpful as I worked away to meet my quota of words this morning about satire and the television mockumentary. Haha on you though because I got them done and am feeling very pleased with myself. Perhaps this afternoon you might like to bother someone else with a headache and leave me alone. I have to go into work you see and those two things (work and headache) rarely play nicely together. It's just a suggestion you know, but I would appreciate it if you could give it your full consideration.
With all good wishes
Wendy

Dear Friday

Dear Friday
It's not often you receive a letter from me but this is a special occasion. I would like to publicly thank you for this rather splendid headache. Is it not enough that my beautiful man tripped off to Europe last Sunday for some length of time, and then the whole cyst-situation is ongoing, but now, you, Friday, usually the best of days have awarded me a headache on a day that I have to go in to work?
Please give some thought to these questions and think about your behaviour for when we meet in a week's time.
Regards
Wendy

Dear Weekend

Dear Weekend
Today is Friday which means that you are not far away. Let us cast our minds back to your previous visit about 7 days ago. I did not particularly enjoy your arrival with a monster headache that lasted until Monday morning. I mean, really, what on earth was that all about? I had worked all week and all I wanted was two days where I could relax, watch some telly, do a little shopping, housework, laundry and other things without a pounding headache. I know you made sure I had some panadol in the pantry which was, I suppose, thoughtful. However, all that really did was put the headache on delay for a few hours until it returned, stronger than ever. I guess the point I am labouring away at here in this letter is that when you arrive at midnight this evening I would like a little more consideration. I have things to do. I also have nothing to do, and I would prefer to be able to do everything and nothing just as I please without any interference.
If you could kindly consider my respectful request it would be greatly appreciated
Yours sincerely
Wendy

The grey half-light of 5am

Dearest Monday

It's been some time since our last communication so I thought I would take this opportunity to write. I hope you don't mind but I am going to provide you with a little constructive criticism. Please take it in the spirit in which it is intended. That is, get your freaking act together and start behaving.
1. If you could perhaps have a word with the seasons and tell Summer to pack its bags it would be much appreciated. I thought we had done with the humid, bad for sleeping nights but based on last night, clearly not. It's April for goodness sake. Let Autumn have their turn.
2. Headaches. I don't know if you've ever woken with the same headache you went to bed with but let me assure it is an unpleasant experience. If you could remove the headaches from your mornings that would be delightful.
3. Waking up early. My alarm is set for 6.30am for a reason. I do not need to wake in the grey half light of 5am. I have getting ready for work down to a fine art with my 6:30am iPhone wakeup call. There is no need to give me a "helping hand" by having me wake up any earlier.

Thank you.
I do hope you have a nice day. More importantly, I hope that I have a nice day.

Kind Regards
Wendy

The world sends me a wake up call

Yesterday it seemed like the world sent me a wake up call. As I mentioned in the post below there's been a bit of whining about work this week. It was all trivial, self-indulgent whining. Poor me, I'm so busy, this job is boring, I hate answering the phone, I'm sick of marking these testings and doing phone interviews. Blah Blah Blah Wendy.

According to yesterday however I should have been saying to myself the following.

Dear Wendy
Count yourself lucky you're not an 18 year old mother of a two year old son who has arrived at the university either (1) perhaps high as a kite on something illegal (2) perhaps with some kind of added mental illness (3) possibly off your prescription medication (4) or even worse maybe some combination of 1,2, and 3.

Also count yourself lucky that the threatening, aggressive and mildly violent behaviour resulting from the above condition (which was clearly out of your control but nonetheless potentially dangerous to others) didn't result in you being hauled off by the police and banned from the university campus.

Count yourself lucky again that you weren't the tired mother of said 18 year old who got a call from me to tell her that her daughter was being taken to the police station for what sounded like it wasn't the first time and wouldn't be the last.

As I said, a wake up call.
When we get right down to tin tacks I live a fortunate life. A very fortunate life.

Hey Monday..What's Happening?

Hey Monday
What's happening? I'd just like to congratulate you on your pleasant start to the day. It's not stinking hot and humid like ALL OF LAST WEEK. Instead, you bring me lots of rain, lovely rain. You are reviving my poor plants in the garden and making my lawn green again. For that I thank you.

Now if you could just do some other things for me that would be much appreciated.
1. No crazy people ringing me on the phone today. I understand it was a full moon last week which may have explained the frequency of crazy/annoying/weird phone calls. Let's have no more of it.
2. A nice day at work. I don't mind being busy but if we could have less of the finicky, pernickety problems with prospective students etc that create pointless busy paper work and extra phone calls that would be nice.
3. My hair to look okay. I'm about to get in the shower and I know wet, humid kind of days (even when they're cool) aren't good with my hair, but truly I'm not up for a cowlick fringe today.
4. Fun Lunch Hour.
5. If I could get to go home a bit early (say 4-4.30) that would be excellent.
6. Finally, choir begins tonight. Please let the music be interesting without the dragging of time and any moments of boredom. I need a positive start to the year here.

Thanks for your consideration Monday. I know it's probably a lot to ask and you're most likely off creating havoc for others, but if you could try and break your stereotypical Mondayish behaviour just this once I would be really grateful.

Kind Regards
Wendy

Dear unnamed electricity provider

Dear unnamed electricity provider

Thank you for you kind letter advising me how much I owe you by the 18 January. It's very timely, considering I have just finished spending myself stupid on Christmas gifts for others and myself. Never fear however, I will pay you on time.

However, if I may, I would like to point out a problem with the so called Davis Report you have thoughtfully provided for me, comparing my electricity usage with the average in my region. Firstly, it's very interesting to see I am using a humungus 2% more electricity than the household average in my area. Clearly these people don't know how to use electricity with the same zest that I do. Most of all I would like to thank you for your helpful tips for reducing my electricity usage. It may interest you to know that

1. I do not have a second fridge or a chest freezer so cannot save the estimated $300 a year by turning them off. Plus - wouldn't that make the food go bad in the freezer? Just wondering about the wisdom of this tip.

2. I do not have a dishwasher, therefore I am unable to set it to economy cycle and save your estimated $50 per year.

I make a point of turning off lights when I leave the room already, so any other thoughts you might have might be welcome, as long as they don't involve setting the airconditioning to 25 because quite frankly that doesn't cool anything down in the stinky, humid, Queensland summer.

Yours sincerely

Wendy

Dear working week

Dear Working Week

I know it's been a while since we met but I don't remember you being quite so intrusive into my actual life. The thing is I have quite a pile of books in various shapes and sizes that I would like to be reading rather than the infinite email trail you supply to me each morning. I also have a lot of quite nice music that I would like to listen to properly. By properly I mean I would like to listen to it clearly and loudly, rather than having to play it quietly in the background, turning it off when I answer the phone or missing bits when I go out of my office.

Furthermore, I'm not sure if you realise but five full days in a row is quite a long time to concentrate. For example, I would quite like it if it was Saturday today. Any chance you could do some kind of restructure to your organisation and put say, two days on two days off in place. I'm sure others would appreciate that. As you know restructures are all the rage these days, and making a few days redundant wouldn't be that big of a deal. The other thing you might like to think about is making your days reapply for their positions. Monday, for example, has been performing unsatisfactorily for some time now. In private industry they would have had at least had to complete a performance review and improve themselves by now. This doesn't seem to happen in a public organisation such as yours.

Anyway, working week, these are just some thoughts from one who has had a month to distance themselves from your operations, and now returns bright eyed, fresh faced and full of enthusiasm to make work a better place for everyone.

Kind regards

Wendy